In the Words of Turtle Man, "Live Action"

It has certainly been an interesting week over at Casa de Rambo and Honey Badger. Our backyard is becoming somewhat of a death trap for any animals that dare venture into our yard. So here's our latest family activity in a nutshell.

If you are a PETA supporter, I am sorry if this offends you. If you could ever believe me, I am actually a friend of animals. I have saved everything from cats to birds to lizards to turtles and much more. I cried so hard when my pet fish jumped to its death out of his bowl when I was in high school. I wore black for a week as I mourned my great loss. And,  of course, there was a proper, formal burial and beautiful words were spoken in memory of Prince Valliant. I just happend to marry someone that has an equivalent hunting passion to Ted Nugent. Opposites attract?

Anyway, as Rambo embarked on his evening tradition of shooting something, I happend to be in the kitchen putting up dinner while Gigi ate her leftovers she threw from her high chair on the floor. Everything was going great until I spot this precious little squirrel frolicking in the grass. As soon as I saw it, I knew we had trouble. He decided to go for that squirrel that he claimed was "eating his sprinkler"" (see picture). I decided it is bc he feel inadequacy as a predator with the coon failure. BUt, as soon as I saw that look Rambo gets in his eyes that meant "I am a man. I will kill", I knew that poor squirrel was doomed. He made Gigi and I stop moving as he slowly set up his phone to film the mutany. Once his video was up and going he grabbed his pellet gun and scoped in the squirrel. He misses. HAHAHAHAHA. The squirrel heads for the tree and I am cheering him on to freedom and a long life.  Well, it was short lived. Shot number two and that squirrel was like a pinball in a pinball machine going from branch to branch until it reached a silent fall on to the ground. RIP.

If you look behind the bush, towards the back of the pic, you can see the little furry friend trying to drink some water from the sprinkler.

 

Rambo in Action. Look at that smile of victory on his face.

 

RIP, little Squirrel

Well, the unfortunate (and fortunate) part of this expedition was he actually got a 4 min video of the live action. But, thankfully he erased it bc all you could really see was me chasing him outside with the spatula asking him "what the bleep was wrong with him" and him responding "I am a man" and I said, 'then after you're done being man in the yard, be a man and take out the bleepin trash for once." Along with some other few choice phrases and ridiculous commentraty where he calls him self Ted Nugent and says "This is America, I am American..." Blah blah blah. The usual.  I was on edge. It was only day 2 of the Jesus fast. I was in full honey badger mode. Cut me some slack.

So you may think that the story ended her. Well, it most certainly did not. Today, Gigi and I are driving and I see three hawks circling the neighborhood. One time a hawk attacked my sister's dog and it would not get out of its cage or like 2 weeks. Traumatized. They are vicious. I immediately feared for my precious tortoise but then remembered he has a shell and weighs like 10 pounds... HE would be okay in his bunker. After pulling over the side of the road and doing a few bird calls to get the hawks' attention to try and get a pic of one of them, the leader swoops into the neighbo'rs tree and goes for another darn squirrel.  Seriously. Squirrels do not stand a chance in Bel Meade. Some terrible noises started coming from the tree so we drove off. I am so excited to tell Matt that I finally saw 3 of the phantom hawks that he never sees. HE quickly rains on my parade and tells me that they were buzzards going for the dead squirrel he threw in grandma's yard. Ugh. I still maintain they were totally hawks.

Beware, friends, these birds are like predatorial maniacs.

Good news at the end of this somewhat of a rambling story is, I think it is illegal to shoot hawks (probably buzzards too) so we are safe there. As for coons, squirrels, grackels- you have been fairly warned. 107 W Brandon is a death trap.

I'm thinking of checking out ebay to see if I can buy some of these in bulk for my backyard.

Follow-Up

Well, my Jesus Fast is halfway over, which is a good thing b/c I almost went over the edge last night and had FROYO. My council members talked me down and I stayed true to my 7... sort of. I got grief for eating an ENTIRE bag of frozen edamame for dinner. Hello, it is a soy BEAN, people. Beans were on my list. Just because I am from San Antonio does not mean that I am limited to refried beans. Anyway, enough of that. I have been very testy since this whole deal started and drastic times call for drastic measures. That would include eating Gigi's apple sauce squeeze food.

So, now to the real question at hand... Ombre hair.

As I write this, thoughts are whirling through my head... this has been the biggest internal conflict on image since I decided to defy my parents and got my cartlidge pierced when I was 18. Man, I wanted it sooooo bad for years, but I knew how much my parents (MOM) hated it. What did I do? Went up to Boston and got it done the 2nd day I was there. But man, this one is even more serious, because I have reached the crossroads into adulthood and I have my own daughter that will probably get her cartlidge and belly button pierced much to my dismay one day (hopefully I will be unimpressed, although at this point I am not mature enough to admit that I will be...). We get to this defining moment. Jessica Biel, Kristen Wiig, Beautiful ombre hair. For those of you who know me well, you know my long love affair with tye dye. I mean I probably would marry it. I would wear it every day if I could. Well, here is the solution. "Tye dye" my hair. Then technically I could wear it every day. Now this conflict is 2-fold. A. Is it necessary to dye my hair ombre? and B. Is that where I should be spending my money. But, I REALLLLLLY want it.

So, I need your input. DO I do it, own it, and rock it like no other? Mary B- you know you are my inspiration after the RAD DIY job you did to your's last year. Annie O- You are my peer pressure and inspired me once again to reconsider.

Do I take the plunge? If so, who wants to do it to me? I do not think I can bring myself to paying like $150 bucks on my hair. I get my hair cut once a year. At Fantastic Sam's. I sit at red lights now and pull my grey hairs out instead of dying them so I think going to a salon is out for me. So in my 2-fold crisis, at least I am making one mature decision and not paying an arm and a leg for it? Right?

After much contemplation and soul searching, I received a text from my sister that read as this: "911- I will call you at lunch. I just googled ombre hair. Just don't do anything drastic before we talk."
She then proceeded to call me, but I did not have the strength to answer and argue my point b/c at that point in the day I had only eaten 2 hardboiled eggs and a toddler squeeze food.

So, I am defitely a no on the liquid leggings. That is one mature decision. As my Aunt and Mother put it, "you have to have bird legs to wear those things". Let's just say that one would maybe use another animal to describe my legs... Don't worry, I am completely confident with this fact. BUT, do I do the hair or not? And if so, who is willing to come on over and do a homemade job as I do not think I would like to fork over to a professional...

Opinions more than welcome.

Here is my inspiration:

 

I know, I have an uncanny resemblance to both of these girls. Crazy, right? Bahahahaha

To further plea for a litle intervention, if I did i my self, it would most likely turn out like this.

 

OR THIS.

So many issues, So little time.

Excuse me if this post is all over the place and rambling. My life has been an emotional rollercoaster that I can't seem to get to slow the heck down.

Reasons my life is an emotional roller coaster:

1. Rambo got a game cam after our last fish was "taken". And then there were none. I forsee many days of watching raccoon footage. Gross.

2. My high school dearies and I have become emotionally invested and fully committed to a new relationship. Except, we are not one of the participating parties. We have found this gem of a Cassanova on FB that we went to high school with and have been following his love affair with his girlfriend? I make this a question b/c he has LEFT US HANGING about their recent reunion in Chicago when he asked her to marry him. Are they engaged? I mean, we have been so much a part of this relationship and then he doesn't change his status to engaged? Rude. I am dying here. We have reached an emotional cliffhanger and I need an update ASAP.
***Here is a small preview of the beautiful poetry he has written for his love: "I only get so many minutes, don’t wanna spend em’ all on the clock, In the time that we spent talking how many kisses have I lost…? Time is love, gotta run, love to hang longer, but I got SOMEONE who waits…waits for ME and right now she’s where I NEED TO BE, time is LOVE"
*****Rambo- take note.

3.Gigi discovered how to take off her diaper- imagine all the fun possibilities with that... They have all happend. In the meantime until I can get her potty trained (or walking for that matter), I have found duck tape super helpful.

4. But, the primary reason life is so tumultuous is that I am doing a Jesus Fast. That's right. A Jesus fast. Except, I am not fasting, BUT I can only eat 7 things for 7 days to rid my life of excess and materialism to get closer to God's Kindgom and not the "American Dream" version. Awesome in theory. Not so awesome in practice. I am STARVING here. ONLY Beans, rice, eggs, spinach, apples, peanut butter, chicken for the next 7 days and I feel like I am doing his huge fast. I am weak. I only been "fasting" for 36 hours and I am starting to see fuzzy and get headaches. Pathetic. Seriously. Hopefully, my body (mind, and spirit) will get used to it and I will stop going in and out of consciousness and dreaming of chocolate teddy grams dipped in whipped cream. The whole idea came from the book my bible study by Jen Hatmaker, "7", who did it for a whole entire month. She ROCKS. I am doing a measly week. Like, she is amazing. I don't want to get into to the whole concept of the book, but check out this summary. Pretty ingenious idea, and if it works and I turn out more like Mother Teresa after the whole thing, I am going to go straight up to Austin and kiss her. Hopefully, after the week, I will feel enlightened and more full. Seriously, how DID Jesus do it for 40 days? And Gandhi, didn't he fast for like years at a time? Man, that is awesome. In all seriousness, though, I am super excited about it and do feel pretty rad when I am not drooling as I daydream of frozen yogurt with 20 toppings on it (which I get like every other night). I am the PRIME candidate for this project.

5. Last, but most certainly not least, I am reaching another coming of age crossroads. This one involving ombre hair. I am too hungry to go into the depth, attention, and time that is needed for this decision right now, though, so more on that later. Again, prime candidate for this fast and learning about the UN-necessities being rid from your life.

I did not plan on getting on my soap box for so long, but like I said, I am delirious from lack of my daily afternoon snack of a pound of goldfish (the whole grain ones- so they are better for you). I apologize.

PS- I just gave Gigi a pack of Craisins and my hand started shaking. I even want Craisins. Sick.

An Affair to Remember

First of all, this post seems completely irrelevant now that the RNC has been over for like a week, but bare with me. Gigi was ill last week and was distracted by her barking grown male seal cough and making sure she was still breathing. She's all good now, though, so I am back to serious, important business (like this blog).

Okay, here goes:
I promised to never discuss anything of substance on this blog but I am going to talk politics on this. I know, already breaking my promise. But, don't worry, this is nothing that will make you think too much.

Well, we spent last week's nights watching the RNC. Let me get one thing clear, I am pretty much about as well educated on policy as Gigi. But, I think Mitt Romney is a hoot and Paul Ryan kind of looks like those little plastic animal dolls with the big droopy eyes that looks at you like, "please cuddle with me or give me some meow mix". Cute and creepy at the same time. Again, the majority of Matt and I's political convos are over things like the "scope of executive power" and if Bush decided to grow a mustache, could any one stop him? True story. Matthew asked me that a few years ago. I told him he was an idiot. But like my recent coming of age life changing decisions, like retiring certain articles of clothing, I figured it is time for me to become informed... So we watched.

Unfortunately, it quickly became difficult to listen to the substance as soon as Condie Rice came on and started talking. Matthew was spellbound. It was like love at first sight. He listened to her and maybe even shed a tear. In fact, he claims that he started crying twice because he was so proud of her. He kept saying with those sappy, puppy love eyes like Paul Ryan's, "she is just the most amazing person in the world".  He then proceeded to start running around the house chanting, USA... and went to the front yard and saluted the flag. I thought he was going to turn on "Proud to be an American" and make us all go out there and salute while the ENTIRE song played like he did when we first got the flag and made us salute every time we left the house or came home. I was frightened. Gigi joined in and clapped some, although she seemed way more into Santorum. After seeing this epic display of patriotism, I came to the conclusion that Matthew was going to leave me for Condie. Like seriously. He is in love. And, you know, I could never measure up to that amazing woman. I think I have a crush on her too. I think she speaks like 20 languages and plays the piano like as well as Mozart or something. She rocks. I know that. But, at this point in time, I am really hoping she never comes to SAtown to give a speech b/c my husband would totally rush the stage screaming "Condie, I love you" and get tackled to the ground by Secret Service.

So, if you ever hear that she is coming into town, please let me know so I can make sure we are out of town.

PS- Don't worry. I am watching the DNC too. As a mature adult, I am listening to both sides. Problem is, they all kind of just talk and I am not really sure what anyone of them really want to do or WILL do.  Anyone else think they all sound good and smart and wished they would just gather around the campfire and sing "Kumbaya" with rainbows and unicorns in the background (while toasting smores) and figure it out together?